It Should Have Been Me
by She of the Shadows
Summary: When Feferi and Kanaya die in a car crash, Sollux is devastated and the only person he can turn to is Karkat. HUMANSTUCK


hey... don't worry about me... i'm fine... i'll be fine... worry about her... not me... i don't matter...

no... don't move me... i'm fine here... she's here too... please help her...

help her... not me... i'm worthless... she's amazing... she is courageous... kind... thoughtful...

she is strong... she is so much cool... she is everything i'm not...

feferi is wonderful...

no... don't move me... i want to stay here... i'm fine here... no... i need to...

i need to... i can't remember... i don't...

i don't know any more... i'm going... i'm going to go now...

i can't move... i can't move to the light... it's blinding me... and... i want to go to it...

but i can't... i can't leave... there's something... there's something i need to do...

My eyes snap open. There's pain... Not completely overwhelming, but close. The... wherever I am... Is dark, like pitch black. "Hey, anyone there?"

I am relieved to hear a familiar voice. "HEY FUCKASS, RISE AND SHINE."

"Karkat," I say. "You have no iidea how happy II am riight now."

"YEAH..." Karkat sounds worried. "SOLLUX, WHY ARE YOU FACING THAT WAY? I'M OVER HERE."

"Dude where are you? Why do you have iit 2o dark? Where are we?"

"UM... SOLLUX... IT'S BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT..."

"Karkat, it'2 piitch black. Where are we?"

"SOLLUX WE'RE IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT. WE'RE IN THE SAME PLACE WE WERE WHEN YOU WERE HIT BY THE CAR. ARE YOU OKAY?"

"II don't know..." It's true. I don't know if I'm okay. I can't see anything. "Thii2 wiill 2ound weiird, but... Are my eye2 open?"

"YEAH DUDE, YOUR EYES ARE FUCKING WIDE OPEN AND IT'S STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT."

"Oh gog..."

"SOL..." Karkat sounds like he's hiding something...?

"What?" I'm immediately suspicious. Not that I don't like Karkat, but there was something in the tone of his voice that worried me.

"SOL, I THINK YOU'RE BLIND."

"What... No... II can't be bliind!" I can't be blind! My eyes were just... I can't be blind!

"SOLLUX, PLEASE CALM DOWN. FEF... CALM DOWN."

"What were you goiing two say?" He started to say Feferi's name! Had she been injured? Was she alright?!

I heard Karkat sigh. "SOL... BRO, PLEASE. JUST CALM DOWN. I'LL TELL YOU IN DUE TIME."

In due time?! What does he mean by IN DUE TIME?!

"Karkat. II WIILL NOT FUCKIING BE CALM UNTIIL YOU FUCKIING TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IIS GOIING ON!"

"SOLLUX, FEFERI IS DEAD. FEFERI AND..." His voice chokes up. "FEFERI AND KANAYA."

I sit in stunned silence. "No... That can't... No..." I reach up to my unseeing eyes, surprised to feel something wet already there as I felt myself begin to cry. Was that... Blood?!

"KARKAT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?"

"AS FAR AS I KNOW, YOU AND KANAYA AND FEFERI WERE WALKING, AND SOMEONE IN A HUGE S. U. V. DROVE BY AND SMASHED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU..." He inhaled deeply. "FEFERI AND KANAYA BOTH SHOVED YOU OUT OF THE WAY, LIKE ALMOST AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. THE DRIVER SLAMMED THE BRAKES AND FLEW THROUGH THE WINDOW. GLASS FROM THE WINDSHIELD GOT YOU PRETTY BAD, BUT THAT'S REALLY THE ONLY THING THAT GOT YOU..." Karkat chokes up again.

I sit, mutely staring at whatever it was my blind eyes were staring at. "Why... Why Feferii? She was IINNOCENT!" I can't hold back my rage and grief any more. I stagger to my feet... Or, at least, I give it a good effort. I rise to one knee, then dizziness overwhelms me and I pitch to the side. I'm screaming it, now. Screaming and crying and sobbing hysterically. "SHE WAS IINNOCENT! SHE WAS IINNOCENT!" I feel Karkat catch me, but I don't care. Why wasn't it ME who was hit?

Why couldn't I have been hit by that car? Feferi was... She was innocent! She hadn't done anything! Granted, neither had I, but Feferi was cute, sweet, charming, kind... Everything that I'm not.

Karkat pulls me into a hug, papping me comfortingly. I cling to him, sobbing. I try to say I'm sorry, but it comes out in a garbled mess of snot and tears.

"SHOOSH SOL, IT'S OKAY. I'M HERE FOR YOU." Karkat's voice is forgiving, but also infinitely sad.

I'm sorry Karkat. I'm sorry I couldn't save Feferi or Kanaya... I should have been the one to get hit. I should have died. No one would miss me. I'm just the lame dweeb obsessed with computers. Fef and Kanaya had futures. I should have been the one to die.

It should have been me.

I'm so sorry.


End file.
